Kickstarter: Ageing actor’s retirement fund

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Today’s world is rife with complex and at times horrifying problems: Ebola, ISIS, nuclear weapons, gender equality, marriage equality, wage equality, racism, world hunger, clean water, dictatorships, economic crises… the list goes on.

So right here and right now I am here to talk about…. none of these…instead I’ll talk about a problem that threatens the very foundation and future of cinema…a problem I am much more qualified to talk about…

AGEING ACTORS MAKING TERRIBLE MOVIES TO MAKE AN UNGODLY AMOUNT OF MONEY!

NB/ This is apparently endemic to actors rather than actresses. Keep up the good work Meryl.

We’ve all seen it. A once revered, esteemed and magnificent actor making a movie so bad that it could only be intentional. Their eyes have glazed over. Their spark is gone. All the while they are just mentally counting the money banked with each line…$1,000,000…$2,000,000…..$3,000,000…..”Oh is it my line again? Sorry.”

The culprits are many and varied Samuel L Jackson, John Cusack, Mickey Rourke, Christopher Walken, even Neeson, Caine and Freeman are guilty to an extent.

Also I see you Al Pacino! You’ve done nothing of note since the late 90’s which is a travesty when you look at your early filmography!  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Al_Pacino_filmography

I mean at least Sean Connery and Jack Nicholson had the common decency to just stop rather than parade a festival float of broken dreams and lost ambition through the streets!

But they are not the biggest offenders. They are not even close. There are two criminal masterminds here.

1) NICHOLAS CAGE – I’ve never really understood Cage’s appeal but he has made and will continue to makes some horrific career decisions. Which long ago erased any of the goodwill built during his early career.

The Holy Trinity: Eyes wide, Nasal Flare and Dislocated jaw

I believe the TV show, Community, summed him up better than I ever could!

”I don’t know? If I was in 70 films over 30 years and spent each one talking at random volumes, I might accidentally win an oscar.”

2) ROBERT DE NIRO

Let’s take a look at some highlights from his back catalogue:

Godfather Part 2, Taxi Driver, The Deer Hunter, Raging Bull, Once Upon A Time In America, Brazil, The Untouchables, Goodfellas, Cape Fear.

These are some incredible films. This man is an exceptional actor who has made terrific films for decades. He was renowned for his commitment to each and every role; living in Sicily for Godfather, driving a taxi for weeks for Taxi Driver, gaining 60lbs for Raging Bull. The list goes on.

Now, depressingly, we must take a look at his more recent films, excluding the two exceptions – Silver Linings Playbook and his minor role in American Hustle.

The Intern, Grudge Match, Last Vegas, The Family, New Year’s Eve, The Big Wedding, The Little Fockers, Machete, Righteous Kill… I can’t go on. I just feel empty inside. Its like the feeling you get watching Old Yeller and knowing that in reality Old Yeller and his pup Young Yeller have both been pushing up the daisies for a very long time.

The worst one here, for me, is Grudge Match. A Rocky rip-off except the boxers are both in their 60’s and incompetent. I mean we all know Stallone can’t act… he can barely speak English! Why did De Niro do this?

I get that people need to make a living. I know that actors wages in the 60’s/70’s were nowhere as extravagant as today but even so movie stars have never been brushing against the poverty line. I know these awful films are an easy way to bring in the money. But movie stars are not short of it in the first place. You are an artist, have some self-respect… I know this sounds pretentious… but come on. Look at the brilliant things you’ve done, you know that you are just phoning it in these days.

So now to my solution!

I am going to set up a charity.

”The Ageing Actor’s Retirement Fund”.

Here are the requirements:

  • Over 60
  • Have delivered in quality performances on film over 10 years ago
  • Have given up trying in the last 10 years

Once receiving income from this fund actors can make a maximum of 2 films per year which MUST receive prior approval from our film standards board. This will ensure that these actors continue to produce and achieve like we know they can. This doesn’t just benefit our film viewing experience but will also benefit their own self-esteem, allowing them to regain the decision making confidence they lost so long ago.

With your help and just a small monthly donation we can help supplement the income these elder statesman so that they can retire comfortably, rested, at peace and with dignity! With your help we can help stop the declining career standards these once great professionals had. We can help rid theatres of Rocky remakes and reboots. Of stupid ensemble cast holiday comedies. Of all these terrible films perpetrated by ageing actors!

Together we can do this. .

 THE AGING ACTOR’S RETIREMENT FUND

DONATE NOW FOR A BETTER FUTURE.

PS/ Here are some actual charities who would do wonderful work and will gratefully receive donations! This is obviously not an exhaustive list so donate where you feel you should.

http://www.actionaid.org.uk/

http://www.wateraid.org/uk

http://www.pointfoundation.org/   ”Empowers promising LGBTQ students to achieve their full academic and leadership potential – despite the obstacles often put before them – to make a significant impact on society.”

http://www.womensaid.org.uk/

http://www.cancerresearchuk.org/support-us/donate

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5 comments

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  2. Zachary FR Anderson · August 8, 2015

    Nicolas Cage’s career choices during this century have been far from stellar. However in the late 20th century I believe he thrived with his style of acting. I am of course referring to “Leaving Las Vegas” and “Moonstruck.” At least he’s trying to be different unlike some actors from this new generation.

    With all that said, I found this post incredibly funny. Good work!

    Liked by 1 person

    • Slatethesilverscreen · August 8, 2015

      Thanks so much for the feedback! I had a lot to get off my chest! I completely agree, Cage in the late 80s and most of the 90s was great. Often weird and strange but unique and great! Now he often tends to just weird but hey maybe he’ll make a come back!

      Like

      • Zachary FR Anderson · August 8, 2015

        What I think Cage is doing today is look for projects that he’ll be able to grow in. Granted they may not be the best choices but at least he’s taking risk.

        That can’t be said about younger actors who won’t step outside of their comfort zone. He’s taking his craft seriously and we’re just not seeing it.

        Like

  3. Pingback: New Series: Small Slivers of Silver Screen 1 | slatethesilver screen

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