If you are have any modicum of affection for superheroes and/or comics – whether you are a Marvel die hard or a DC devotee still clinging onto the fading glow of the Dark Knight trilogy – you will have seen the trailer for Batman vs Superman: The Dawn Of Justice.
But here it is again for your perusal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwfUnkBfdZ4
This trailer doesn’t show all that much but we do get a decent glimpse at the new Batman ( read: Batfleck). Other than that most of you what we get is a blaring horn soundtrack ripped straight from Nolan’s Inception. However we do get a brand spanking logo integrating the Bat signal with Superman’s S. This was clearly intended to complete fanboy meltdown. IT DID LOOK COOL THOUGH.
Now that we’ve seen Batfleck I think it is about time we compare our favourite caped crusader throughout the ages:
THE ORiGINAL BATMAN. THE INVINCIBLE, THE IRREPLACEABLE…. wait there were two before him? Shit!
ADAM WEST/ LEWIS G. WILSON/ ROBERT LOWERY
COSTUME: 4/10 Making the leap to colour and losing the high wasted Y fronts was a great call. The fetish leather mask is a little off-putting though. Not many men look great in tights, Robin Hood aside, and unfortunately neither do these Batfolk. Adam West (top) seems to have missed the memo to crotch-stuff on all occasions.
CAPE: YES Not really much else to say!
BATVOICE: AUDIBLE CHOCOLATE
BATMOVIES: 1 plus TV/ 1943AD / 1
RATING: ”BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!”
COSTUME: 6/10 Black is the new black. The Main changes here are a much bigger and all black costume. This helped Keaton look like a caped crusader rather than a zumba-class devotee.
CAPE: STILL PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR
BATVOICE: MICHAEL KEATON’S VOICE He could have at least tried
OVERALL: ”NICE OUTFIT”
DISCOUNT MICHAEL KEATON
COSTUME: 5/10 MUSCLES EVERYWHERE Everything is bigger. The abs. The arms. The ears. The chin. The bulge. We even see the beginnings of those godforsaken ‘Bat Nipples’.
CAPE: BIGGER THAN EVER
BATVOICE: VOICES ARE DIFFICULT Kilmer gave it his best shot. And it is a good effort. At least he didn’t go full bronchitis like Christian Bale.
OVERALL: ”YOU SUMMONED ME HERE FOR THIS. THE BATSIGNAL IS NOT A BEEPER.”
And the Lifetime Achievement award for worst costume decision ever. The nominees are:
TOBEY MAGUIRE IN SPIDER-MAN 3 THE BAT PENIS IN GONE GIRL
DENNIS NEDRY IN JURASSIC PARK AND THE SUNBURN PINK HAWAIIAN SHIRT
RUBY RHOD AND THE FIFTH ELEMENT’S PHALLIC WIG
AND THE WINNER IS GEORGE CLOONEY AND THE BAT NIPPLES
COSTUME: 1/10 THE BATMAN AND THE AREOLA’S OF DOOM
These shiny, pearlescent, glowing spots of failure may seem tiny and insignificant but once you see them… they are all you can see. Batman fights someone! All you see are the Bat-nipples. Batman says something witty! All you see are the Bat-nipples. This is the single worst costume choice ever. For the love of the sweet baby Jesus, WHY DID SCHUMACHER OKAY THIS. AND THEN on top of this decide to add a supersize cod-piece to boot!
CAPE: ATTACHED AT THE FINGERS? Okay…They would get points for realism here if it wasn’t for the fact that Batman isn’t actually a Bat. NEXT!
BATVOICE: AN EVER GROWING CLOUD OF SMUG
BATMOVIES: 1 (TOO MANY)
Rating: ”I think we might have killed the franchise” George Clooney
NOT-SO-CHRISTIAN ‘COMPLETE ON SET MELTDOWN’ BALE
COSTUME: 8/10 NO NIPPLES, NO CODPIECE, NO WORRIES.
In my opinion this is the best form of the caped crusader. Sleek, streamlined, intimidating and adaptable. Great crime fighting attire unless Bane is around.
CAPE: MORE POWERFUL THAN BATMAN HIMSELF This cape actually became a very useful gadget in the Nolan trilogy. Whether it was falling from the roof of a building, falling from a plane to break into a building in Hong Kong or just falling down a few stories to pick up a mob boss you just dropped. The Bat-cape will save you!
BATVOICE: BARRY WHITE I get it Bruce. You need to conceal your identity but you need a throat lozenge!
BATMOVIES: THE TRIFECTA
OVERALL: ”WHY DO WE FALL? SO WE CAN LEARN TO PICK OURSELVES UP AGAIN” Batman’s Dad
COSTUME: 7/10 Hulk…smash! Batlfeck has hit the juice. I just hope he didn’t skip led day or we’re going to have to find some kryptonite. I also think he has a borrowed Selina Kyle’s cat mask but never mind, this is a SUPERMAN movie.
CAPE: POTENTIAL UNKNOWN
BATVOICE: The Dark Knight: Age Of Ultron As stated in my review of Age Of Ultron, combining Bale’s Batman and Spader’s Ultron will get you to Batfleck.
BATMOVIES: WHO KNOWS!?
OVERALL: ”IF IT BLEEDS… WE CAN KILL IT” Wait.. was that what he said in the trailer? No? Close enough!.
MY FAVOURITE WOULD BE THE VOICE OF KILMER COMBINED WITH CHRISTIAN BALE. WHAT ABOUT YOU?
Invariably whenever someone new is cast as a comic book character 6 million fan-boys unleash their unimaginable rage and bile as a hateful torrent spewed across the internet.
I WILL RESERVE VERDICT UNTIL I SEE BATFLECK in action, Ultron voice and all!
Until next time!
”He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.” Jim Gordon