Is it a bird?…Is it a plane?…No! It’s Batman!…Batman?! What the hell is he doing here?

If you are have any modicum of affection for superheroes and/or comics – whether you are a Marvel die hard or a DC devotee still clinging onto the fading glow of the Dark Knight trilogy – you will have seen the trailer for Batman vs Superman: The Dawn Of Justice.

But here it is again for your perusal: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IwfUnkBfdZ4

This trailer doesn’t show all that much but we do get a decent glimpse at the new Batman ( read: Batfleck). Other than that most of you what we get is a blaring horn soundtrack ripped straight from Nolan’s Inception. However we do get a brand spanking logo integrating the Bat signal with Superman’s S. This was clearly intended to complete fanboy meltdown. IT DID LOOK COOL THOUGH.

Now that we’ve seen Batfleck I think it is about time we compare our favourite caped crusader throughout the ages:

THE ORiGINAL BATMAN. THE INVINCIBLE, THE IRREPLACEABLE…. wait there were two before him? Shit!

ADAM WEST/ LEWIS G. WILSON/ ROBERT LOWERY

batman
Well at least they all look the same!

COSTUME: 4/10  Making the leap to colour and losing the high wasted Y fronts was a great call. The fetish leather mask is a little off-putting though. Not many men look great in tights, Robin Hood aside, and unfortunately neither do these Batfolk. Adam West (top) seems to have missed the memo to crotch-stuff on all occasions.

CAPE: YES     Not really much else to say!

BATVOICE: AUDIBLE CHOCOLATE

BATMOVIES: 1 plus TV/ 1943AD / 1 

RATING: ”BECAUSE I’M BATMAN!”

MICHAEL KEATON

COSTUME: 6/10 Black is the new black. The Main changes here are a much bigger and all black costume.  This helped Keaton look like a caped crusader rather than a zumba-class devotee.

CAPE: STILL PRESENT AND ACCOUNTED FOR 

BATVOICE: MICHAEL KEATON’S VOICE He could have at least tried

BATMOVIES: 2

OVERALL: ”NICE OUTFIT”

DISCOUNT MICHAEL KEATON 

COSTUME: 5/10  MUSCLES EVERYWHERE   Everything is bigger. The abs. The arms. The ears. The chin. The bulge. We even see the beginnings of those godforsaken ‘Bat Nipples’.

CAPE: BIGGER THAN EVER

BATVOICE: VOICES ARE DIFFICULT   Kilmer gave it his best shot. And it is a good effort. At least he didn’t go full bronchitis like Christian Bale.

BATMOVIES: 1

OVERALL: ”YOU SUMMONED ME HERE FOR THIS. THE BATSIGNAL IS NOT A BEEPER.”

And the Lifetime Achievement award for worst costume decision ever. The nominees are:

TOBEY MAGUIRE IN SPIDER-MAN 3 THE BAT PENIS IN GONE GIRL

DENNIS NEDRY IN JURASSIC PARK AND THE SUNBURN PINK HAWAIIAN SHIRT

RUBY RHOD AND THE FIFTH ELEMENT’S PHALLIC WIG

AND THE WINNER IS GEORGE CLOONEY AND THE BAT NIPPLES

COSTUME: 1/10 THE BATMAN AND THE AREOLA’S OF DOOM
These shiny, pearlescent, glowing spots of failure may seem tiny and insignificant but once you see them… they are all you can see. Batman fights someone! All you see are the Bat-nipples. Batman says something witty! All you see are the Bat-nipples. This is the single worst costume choice ever. For the love of the sweet baby Jesus, WHY DID SCHUMACHER OKAY THIS. AND THEN on top of this decide to add a supersize cod-piece to boot!

CAPE: ATTACHED AT THE FINGERS?  Okay…They would get points for realism here if it wasn’t for the fact that Batman isn’t actually a Bat. NEXT!

BATVOICE: AN EVER GROWING CLOUD OF SMUG

BATMOVIES: 1 (TOO MANY)

Rating: ”I think we might have killed the franchise” George Clooney

NOT-SO-CHRISTIAN ‘COMPLETE ON SET MELTDOWN’ BALE

COSTUME: 8/10 NO NIPPLES, NO CODPIECE, NO WORRIES.
In my opinion this is the best form of the caped crusader. Sleek, streamlined, intimidating and adaptable. Great crime fighting attire unless Bane is around.

CAPE: MORE POWERFUL THAN BATMAN HIMSELF This cape actually became a very useful gadget in the Nolan trilogy. Whether it was falling from the roof of a building, falling from a plane to break into a building in Hong Kong or just falling down a few stories to pick up a mob boss you just dropped. The Bat-cape will save you!

BATVOICE: BARRY WHITE  I get it Bruce. You need to conceal your identity but you need a throat lozenge!

BATMOVIES: THE TRIFECTA

OVERALL: ”WHY DO WE FALL? SO WE CAN LEARN TO PICK OURSELVES UP AGAIN” Batman’s Dad

 BATFLECK

COSTUME: 7/10 Hulk…smash! Batlfeck has hit the juice. I just hope he didn’t skip led day or we’re going to have to find some kryptonite. I also think he has a borrowed Selina Kyle’s cat mask  but never mind, this is a SUPERMAN movie.

CAPE: POTENTIAL UNKNOWN

BATVOICE: The Dark Knight: Age Of Ultron  As stated in my review of Age Of Ultron, combining Bale’s Batman and Spader’s Ultron will get you to Batfleck.

BATMOVIES: WHO KNOWS!?

OVERALL: ”IF IT BLEEDS… WE CAN KILL IT”  Wait.. was that what he said in the trailer? No? Close enough!.

MY FAVOURITE WOULD BE THE VOICE OF KILMER COMBINED WITH CHRISTIAN BALE. WHAT ABOUT YOU?

Invariably whenever someone new is cast as a comic book character 6 million fan-boys unleash their  unimaginable rage and bile as a hateful torrent spewed across the internet.

I WILL RESERVE VERDICT UNTIL I SEE BATFLECK in action, Ultron voice and all!

Until next time!

”He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now. So we’ll hunt him. Because he can take it. Because he’s not our hero. He’s a silent guardian, a watchful protector. A dark knight.” Jim Gordon

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8 comments

  1. Invisible Mikey · May 2, 2015

    This was a fun, clever article! Back when I worked on the restoration of the 40s Batman serials, I couldn’t believe how much suspension of disbelief they expected of the audience. The Batmobile was just…Bruce Wayne’s regular sedan! The duo would change into costume and drive off in it, as if no one would ever remark “Isn’t that Bruce Wayne’s car?”

    Liked by 1 person

    • Slatethesilverscreen · May 2, 2015

      Haha that is absolutely brilliant! Im glad things have moved on since then, if only a little.

      Like

  2. Donna · May 23, 2015

    when’s the next movie review? How about Hot Pursuit? or Tomorrowland? Those are two I want to go see.

    Like

    • Slatethesilverscreen · June 9, 2015

      Hey. So sorry for the late reply. Ive been lost beneath a pile of work, game of thrones based sadness and general lethargy. There will be 3 reviews coming in the next 7 days! I will not disappoint my fans (a grandiose overstatement) any longer!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Donna · June 9, 2015

        Jurassic World? We’re seeing it on Tues. San Andreas was good – predictable and typical but still cool.

        Like

      • Slatethesilverscreen · June 9, 2015

        Ive not seen San Andreas – it does look like entertaining disaster porn. Im seeing Jurassic World on Friday and have been wearing adult nappies to help contain my excitement for the last year. I suspect I will be giving it a glowing review regardless!
        The other 2 coming soon are Shame -as I am fond of Mr. Fassbender and Mad Max which I shall see on Sunday.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. Donna · June 9, 2015

    you’re hilarious! Can’t wait! We also love the Jurassic Park series. Very excited for it!

    Liked by 1 person

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